Look, this is the funniest goddamned thing we’ve ever made. You owe it to us to listen. Hell, you owe it to yourself to listen. Because if you don’t listen, we’ll never forgive you. We’ll never forgive your descendents. We won’t even forgive your antecedents. In fact, your whole rotten genetic line will be sent to go pound sand.

I mean, unless you listen that is. If you listen, and not like half-listen, not pity-listen, but *really* listen, really listen and truly enjoy this glorious goddamn gift that we’ve created, and then maybe if you share it, you know, like talk it up a little bit, or write about it somewhere, or like put it in one of your precious tickytocks, then–and only then–will you be free to go live a full and blessed life, fueled by love and sparked with joy, a life lived long, lived sweetly and serenely, a life filled to bursting, then capped by a quick, painless, and tribulation-free trip back into that unextinguishable tidepool of primordial energy from which each and every one of us burst, fully formed and ready to engage, unburdened and unstained, ripe to listen, open and brave as budding flowers at the start of spring, turning, petals out and pistils drawn, perfectly attuned only to this, the ultimate episode of DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY STORYTIME. 

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Brought to you by Jorge Just, Belle Roman, Katelyn Bogucki, with Emma Munger, Daniel Ramirez, and, of course, Baphomet.